- What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? The lawyer charges more.
- How can you tell if a lawyer is lying? Other lawyers look interested.
- Why don’t sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.
- What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? Lawyers accumulate frequent flyer miles.
- How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three—one to screw it in, two to bill you for it.
- Why did the lawyer wear a neck brace to court? To appear more credible… and limp.
- How does an attorney sleep? First, they lie on one side.
- What’s the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? One’s slimy, the other lives in water.
- What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Retired.
- Why did the lawyer bring a ladder to court? To climb the corporate ladder… literally.
- How are lawyers like nuclear weapons? They have the same potential, but fewer people can handle them.
- Why don’t lawyers go to the beach? Cats outnumber sharks.
- What’s a lawyer’s favorite cocktail? Bill-tini… shaken, not stirred.
- How can you tell if a lawyer is on vacation? They bill by the minute.
- Why did the lawyer cross the road? To charge both sides for consultation.
- What’s the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee? A referee doesn’t get paid unless the fight is interesting.
- Why do lawyers prefer elevators? Less chance of hitting someone.
- How do lawyers say goodbye? “Bill ya later.”
- What’s the difference between a lawyer and a cat? One’s sneaky, the other has nine lives.
- Why are lawyers like sperm? Only one in a million actually becomes a human.
- How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Shoot them before they hit the water.
- Why did the lawyer go broke? Their clients kept running away.
- What’s a lawyer’s favorite exercise? Jumping to conclusions.
- How are lawyers like roaches? They survive anything… except honesty.
- Why did the lawyer break up with the paralegal? They couldn’t handle the paperwork… or the sarcasm.
- What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honor.
- Why did the lawyer bring a pencil to the bar? To draw up a settlement… literally.
- How do you confuse a lawyer? Put them in a courtroom with a judge who actually listens.
- What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of pigs? Pigs don’t charge by the hour.
- Why did the lawyer sleep under their desk? They were billing overtime.
- What do you call 50 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A start.
- How are lawyers like snakes? Cold-blooded, slippery, and dangerous if cornered.
- Why did the lawyer stare at the orange juice? It said “concentrate.”
- How do you know a lawyer is lying on the witness stand? Their lips are moving.
- What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? One sucks blood, the other blood money.
- Why did the lawyer bring a briefcase to the party? To file complaints… and bills.
- What do you call a lawyer who doesn’t chase ambulances? Retired.
- How are lawyers like software updates? Annoying, unnecessary, and expensive.
- Why did the lawyer cross the playground? To sue the swing set.
- What’s the difference between a lawyer and a con artist? Some lawyers are honest.
- How do lawyers greet each other? “Bill me!”
- Why did the lawyer go to art school? To learn how to draw conclusions.
